Only when you leave
– you love! In two weeks and three days my friend and I will move into our new
home – a townhouse thirty some minutes north of the city. So seemingly
fictional - so actually real!
Meanwhile, the summer seems to already hint its end. Its
warm air makes room for a cooler caressing morning breeze, endlessly pleasant and
evoking solemn sadness due to the summer which had past like sand between our
fingers, and old memories of romantic loneliness which wrap the soul like the inner
layers of a tree trunk. This morning I already had to wear a sweatshirt!
My present apartment downtown is slowly starting to become
empty of belongings. Every few days, my friend and I are moving another load.
Before we started, I videotaped the apartment, so that I can remember how it
was when I lived in it. How astonishing is the amount of details which
surrounds our lives: the pattern of the fabric which covers the pillows of the
sofa in the living room, the texture of the old wooden floor in its midst, to
the feet of the old Brambach piano which was in the apartment already before I
moved in. Wherever the eye looks, it meets an incomprehensible wealth of
details, impossible to grasp and hold – each one of them is like a fraction of
time within the endless continuum of time, one grain of sand out of the sand on
the beach along the seashore, yet within it alone complete happiness lies; one
moment which you could write a whole book about, opening to eternities - a moment
in which eternity is concealed!
This is also how I felt a couple days ago when I went out
for a walk in order to enjoy the singularly wonderful evening air. Seemingly, a
simpleminded walk, but in reality an entire opera filled with dramas and
eventful moments: all the people I have passed by, all the thoughts which have
crossed my mind, all my physical sensations…
And last night, already at seven-thirty in the evening I lay
down in bed, to look at the leaves in the window fluttering in the first wind
of autumn, and at the light bluing before sunrise the wall adjacent to my bed, with
blueness which seems to belong to another world – the world of dreams. I thought
I would lie like that for an hour, but only this morning I found it in myself to
get up and write.
